if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
