Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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