theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
