Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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