Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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