Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
