you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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