she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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