He had one of those small greek statue penises
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
