I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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