I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
