1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
