Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I want her autograph on my taint
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
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