it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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