The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
