the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
