Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
