I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
