I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
