Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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