Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
