He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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