Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
