Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
