Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
