I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
