Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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