I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
