I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
