if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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