i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
