then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
