these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
