Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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