I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize