Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
