Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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