So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
