i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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