They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
