rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
