im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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