My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
