my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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