I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
