my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
