You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
