This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
