walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
