I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
