Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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