my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
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It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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