Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
