the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes