I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.