I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."