i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
